I can’t believe it’s been four months since I’ve shared anything on my blog. That may or may not change in the coming weeks and months. I know that I’m going to need to take a break from grief and do something creative so this space may be my outlet.
It has been 11 days since I birthed my daughter Hazel. The first few days seemed like a dream. I was moving along like a robot going to my natural space of optimism, positive thinking and ‘being’ happy. I was moving along as if my heart hadn’t been shattered into a million pieces because I felt like I had to. I could not afford to be overcome by grief. We had plans to host Thanksgiving and I did not want to cancel. I knew that it would be hard but I figured every day would be hard and everyone that we invited is so warm and loving, I knew that I would get nothing but support through this very tough time. Just as I expected Thanksgiving was filled with love, light and laughter. I am forever thankful for my vegan crew!!!
The next morning we had a few friends come over and hung for a bit. I also had a visit from my midwife and that’s pretty much when I fell apart. It was like I got smacked right in the face by the fact that I had lost my baby girl. I was immobilized by grief and sadness. There is no getting through this without grieving. There are no amount of positive affirmations, happy thoughts, singing aloud or being grateful for what I have that are going to make me feel better. Nothing will stop my arms from feeling desperately empty. Nothing will stop my heart from aching. As time passes I know that I will heal, but I will never be the same. I have never experienced this level of pain in my life and I hope that I never will. With all that said, I will never say the words “its not fair” or “why me”. To me those are not productive to my healing. What I realized that productive grieving, especially in this case, is acknowledging that I am hurting and working through it. I’m still not sure if it’s productive to share my grief and deep sadness, but when I talk about Hazel, and how I’m feeling, it does make me feel better. I know that people that haven’t been through such a terrible loss have no idea what to say or do. My advice to those wondering how to help, what to do or say, just listen. Thank you for reading. xo
